Just for Pun

The Rise of Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for ittering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

The American $1 Bill

The American $1 Bill

On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles.  Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States .
  The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal.  It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. 

Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark.  This country was just beginning.   We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization.  The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished.  Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity.  It Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything. 

'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency. 

  The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.'
  The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.'  
  At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)
 
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments.  Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean. 

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown.  We had just broken from the King of England.  Also, notice the shield is unsupported.  This country can now stand on its own.  At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.  In the Eagle's beak you will read, 'E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.' 

Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.  Again, we were coming together as one.
 
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons.  He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
 
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.  This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor.  But think about this:
 
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,'
13 letters in 'E PluribusUnum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits,
and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
 
And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David.  This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people.  The Star of David was the result.  Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.

A True Senior Moment

Received from a Slightly Creaky visitor:

What a Waman Wants in a Man

What a WomanWants In A Man! 

§ Original List: 
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks roman ce at least once a week
 
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

§ What I Wa nt in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

2009 Business Terms

2009 Business Terms

• CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
• Bull Market: A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses
• Bear Market: a 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance
• Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
• Broker: What my financial planner has made me
• Standard & Poor: Your life in a nutshell
• Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks
• Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain
• Institutional Investor: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
• Profit: An archaic word no longer in use.  

Retrolife

Retrolife

This site contains visual memories of the 1950s and early 1960s. We will not spoil it for you -

Go take a look.

Up

Up

There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word,

 and that word is 'UP.'

 It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use ! it to brighten UP a room,polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. 
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing: 
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP ! 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add  UP to about thirty definitions 

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. 

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now  ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP! 

The Colombian Fisherman

The Colombian Fisherman

Have you ever wondered what benefits earning more money would bring?

In a small coastal town in Colombia, a boat comes in to port. An American businessman standing on the dock compliments the Colombian fisherman on the quality of his catch, and asks him how long it took him to catch these fish.

"Not very long", answers the fisherman.

"Well why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" queries the gringo businessman.

The Colombian fisherman explains that the few fish he has caught are sufficient to meet his family's needs.

The American asks, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

Ï sleep late, play with my children, and take a siesta. In the evening I go into town to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a good life"

The gringo then interrupts, "Listen, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day and then you can sell the extra fish you catch."

"With the extra revenue, you could buy a bigger boat. With the extra money a larger boat will bring in, you can buy a second one and then a third one - until you have an entire fishing fleet. Then you will be able to open your own processing plant."

"Änd after that ?" asks the Colombian fisherman.

"When your business gets really good you can start selling stock and make millions!"

"Millions! Really? And after that?"

Äfter that you'll be able to retire, to live in a small town on the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas, and spend your evenings playing the guitar, singing, and drinking with your friends!"

By barrumundi on Oct 4, 2009, in Friendly Talkzone. Reprinted with permission.

More to Come

Membership Contribution Page

Submit your suggestions for this page to info@SlightlyCreaky.com

The obvious legal statement.

The folks at Slightly Creaky are volunteers. None of us get any salary or compensation in any form. We are not a corporation, just a few folks working out of our houses. If anything on this site bothers you, if you notice mistakes, please let us know.

While we do maintain editorial rights, things slip past, especially on the message boards. The submitted columns and news articles, as well as the postings on the message boards, belong to the contributor(s), not to the Slightly Creaky team. We are simply a vehicle bringing you information to the best of our ability.

Be sure to read our complete Legal Information and Policies