Just For Fun
A Variety of Things For Fun
- Old Wives' Tales Revisited (a new series)
- The New Alphabet
- Just For Pun
- The American One Dollar Bill
- "Get Out of the Car" (A True Senior Moment)
- What a Woman Wants in a Man
- 2009 Business Terms
- Retrolife
- Up
- The Colombian Fisherman
- The Perks of Aging
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Old Wives' Tales Revisited Part 1
Old Wives' Tales Revisited
I always objected to calling handed-down parables “Old Wives’ Tales.” While it’s true my mother had dozens of them, she was not so old when imparting her often unscientifically unfounded tidbits of knowledge. I had an uncle that could talk for an hour expounding upon life’s most important lessons. My all-time favorite was, “Do not use another person’s comb because you will get cooties. And you know they cause dandruff.”
We don’t seem to hear many of these any more, but when you do they frequently make you stop and think (often about the sanity of the person who said them). Here are some favorites:
This month: Food
- “Chocolate causes acne.” Scientifically there is no proof of this, but it may reduce heart attacks, lower blood pressure, and increase libido.
- “Candy will make your teeth rot.” Depends on what type of candy and how well you brush and floss your teeth. Jelly beans do not cause decay yet sugared cereal is a major culprit.
- “Eating carrots will help you see in the dark.” Why? Carrots themselves cannot see in the dark (or in bright light for that matter). They do contain beta-carotene, which can be a factor in fighting macular degeneration, but most fruits and vegetables contain beta-carotene.
- “Food should be mixed clockwise.” That probably was originally devised by the guy who said, “A watched pot never boils.” If the pot starts to boil the cook is in bigggg trouble.
- “A littler salt will bring you luck.” Along with a greater chance of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, and water retention.
- “Do not bring eggs into the house after dark as it is bad luck.” Does this mean we have to take our eggs and store them outside over-night? No eggs after sunset in a hen house either?
- “If two women pour from the same pot one of them will have a baby within a year.” Even if they are in their 80s? A sure cure for infertility.
- “Drop a slice of buttered bread butter side up and a visitor will arrive.” If this was true, restaurants all over the world would have hundreds of butter-side up bread on their floors. Would make for some interesting lawsuits.
- “Feed a cold, starve a fever.” So if you have above normal temperature it’s OK to starve?
- “Spicy food causes ulcers.” Actually, and my body knows this from personal experience, ulcers are caused by bacteria (60%), some medications (20%), smoking (up to 10%) and a slew of miscellaneous causes. Spicy food is not one of them.
- “Carrying garlic can prevent curses caused by the Evil Eye.” Carrying garlic will cause more people to look at you strangely, and avoid being with you. Not too many people know how to use the Evil Eye any more, so we’re probably safe.
- Throwing of rice at a wedding will bring prosperity and happiness to the couple.” It may also cause the birds that eat it to die. And just try to get that rice out of your hair. It’s easier to remove cootie-caused dandruff.
Compiled and written by Slightly Creaky co-founder Hal Rosengarten
More Old Wifes's Tales coming in May
In May: Hygiene and Health
“Walking with bare feet will give you worms.” and many more
The New Alphabet
A is for arthritis;
B is the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Just for Pun
Just for Pun
The Rise of Puns
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
ittering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
The American $1 Bill
The American $1 Bill
On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles. Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States .
The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency.
The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.'
The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.'
At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, 'E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.'
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,'
13 letters in 'E PluribusUnum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits,
and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David. This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people. The Star of David was the result. Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.
What a Waman Wants in a Man
What a WomanWants In A Man!
§ Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks roman ce at least once a week
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
§ What I Wa nt in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
2009 Business Terms
2009 Business Terms
- CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
- CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
- Bull Market: A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses
- Bear Market: a 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance
- Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
- Broker: What my financial planner has made me
- Standard & Poor: Your life in a nutshell
- Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks
- Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain
- Institutional Investor: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
- Profit: An archaic word no longer in use.
Retrolife
Retrolife
This site contains visual memories of the 1950s and early 1960s. We will not spoil it for you -
Up
Up
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)
There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word,
and that word is 'UP.'
It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use ! it to brighten UP a room,polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!
The Colombian Fisherman
The Colombian Fisherman
Have you ever wondered what benefits earning more money would bring?
In a small coastal town in Colombia, a boat comes in to port. An American businessman standing on the dock compliments the Colombian fisherman on the quality of his catch, and asks him how long it took him to catch these fish.
"Not very long", answers the fisherman.
"Well why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" queries the gringo businessman.
The Colombian fisherman explains that the few fish he has caught are sufficient to meet his family's needs.
The American asks, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
Ï sleep late, play with my children, and take a siesta. In the evening I go into town to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a good life"
The gringo then interrupts, "Listen, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day and then you can sell the extra fish you catch."
"With the extra revenue, you could buy a bigger boat. With the extra money a larger boat will bring in, you can buy a second one and then a third one - until you have an entire fishing fleet. Then you will be able to open your own processing plant."
"Änd after that ?" asks the Colombian fisherman.
"When your business gets really good you can start selling stock and make millions!"
"Millions! Really? And after that?"
Äfter that you'll be able to retire, to live in a small town on the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas, and spend your evenings playing the guitar, singing, and drinking with your friends!"
By barrumundi on Oct 4, 2009, in Friendly Talkzone. Reprinted with permission.
The Perks of Aging
The Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists on the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you read this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. And Remember:
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
More to Come
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